I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
