Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
