I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
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