Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
