Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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