did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
