Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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