I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
