Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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