Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
