A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
You're like the curious george of whores
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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