I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
