Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
