i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
