I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
