if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Randomize
