I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
