Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
