well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
The feeling are messing with the penis
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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