So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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