never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
