took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
The beer is more important than you right now.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
