giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
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