we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
