dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize
