Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
