my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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