We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
