Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
