in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
