Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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