I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
