How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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