I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize