Dude my mom stole all your condoms
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
