gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
