so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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