he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
