I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
