That's when you crack a 10am beer
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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