I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
