i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
