I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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