I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
