i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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