Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
please come you make the beer taste better
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....