I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
And the cops told us we were all naked.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.