Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
did you just send me my own nude
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?