You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
