I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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