Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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