I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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