The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize