Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Randomize
