I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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