the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
