I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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