my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
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Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
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I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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