New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
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