I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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